I really want to kiss lately. 

For anyone who knows about my general feelings and sincere aversion towards mouths and saliva understands why this is weird, weird, and weird. Still, it remains a fact.

I kiss my kids all the time. That’s not new. Although I kiss Ethan’s chin even if it means I get drooled on and that’s different. He’s just got the cutest, most kissable chin though. I think chins are the loveliest place to kiss. That’s weird, I’m not even asking if it is, I know it is. I care not. 

Still. It’s all the little things. Chins, cheeks, noses, foreheads, shoulders, hands, top of the head, whatever. A little while ago a friend was doing my makeup, and her wrist was right in front of me and I had the funniest urge to kiss it, to say thank you and to let her know I love her and just to be nice. I didn’t, but that sort of feeling isn’t common. I’m paranoid with my lips. If that were all, it wouldn’t be a big deal, I guess. But that isn’t all.

I want to make out so, so badly. 

WEIRD.

Here’s the thing. When you get mono (not EVEN from kissing, I was 13 and I was robbed) and then, due to what it does to your immune system you lose 4 years of your life to illness and get expelled from high school thanks to it, you aren’t super enthusiastic about doing something that could give you that same illness again. 

In fact, you’re likely to become repulsed by and more than a little resentful of something as simple as lips and spit. 

I should know.

It hasn’t been a big deal. I’m very secure in being single, I tend to love it (to say nothing of the fact that my father has in his behaviour towards my mother taught me that marriage is a trap and I’m a bit of a commitment-phobe) and I’m comfortable in myself. I’m fully aware that there is nothing wrong with being single. In it’s own way, it’s pretty great. 

AND YET. All I want is the mouth of a man I want who wants me back on my mouth. To be honest, I have possibilities. I have males I could ask who would kiss me in a heartbeat. Not a lot, but they exist. But I don’t want them, or I’d have kissed them already. I don’t just want to make out with someone either. I want a guy and I want us to like each other and be just the two of us and make out. Except I’m not even focused on the relationship part right now, just the damn kissing.

Ugh. Who am I right now. 

Maybe it’s progress so when someone actually shows up it won’t be like, this horribly slow process where I have to talk myself into kissing and make myself not scared of it if I want it already. That’ll be, you know, nice for whenever it happens. Mouth on mine, hands in hair, just appreciating the feeling of one of the areas with the most concentrated amount of nerves being stimulated, instead of focusing on ‘oh god when you think about this it’s disgusting there’s someone else’s saliva in my mouth oh gross’ and just being caught up and whatever.

But sweet babies, until that just freaking HAPPENS, which in my case is likely not going to be soon, this is annoying.